January. Again.
The crochet wrap I am currently working on.
Like clockwork, here we are again in January. I truly don’t know where the last year went. Staying at home or doing pretty much ONLY outdoor activities has made an entire year just drift away. But here we are again. January. Adalynn will be SIX this month!!
Over the past week, between Christmas and New Year’s, those annual emotions came pouring out just as they have each January leading up to Adalynn’s birthday….. Remembering the trip to the aquarium with my absurdly low blood sugars. The MFM visits, where I was aware Adalynn’s growth was not normal… yet naively believing the “worst case scenario” was she’d spend time in the NICU. Painting and prepping Adalynn’s room for her arrival and moving my desk/office space to the downstairs in our old house. And the memories go on and on.
Last night, I was up until 1:00 in the morning. I went up to bed around 10:30 and tried my hardest to just fall asleep but I knew what was coming. That tidal wave of sadness, anger, sorrow, and wonder. All at once. All those same questions I’ve asked myself day after day, year after year, that I’ll never know the answer to. It was so vivid and overwhelming and as much as I wanted to sleep, I also wanted to feel it all. All that wishing I could go back to January 2016 to do things differently. To have advocated for myself to go to the hospital to be monitored rather than settle for going home and coming back for another growth ultrasound a week later. Which I never even made it to. And even if I couldn’t avoid what had happened, to have made some different decisions on January 24-26th while at the hospital. To have been more assertive. To have understood the life-long regret and sorrow I’d feel for not holding Adalynn longer and really taking in what she looked like. For not asking to see her again before I left the hospital. For not taking my own pictures. For feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin with what was going on. I just let myself go through all those emotions and thoughts and eventually fell asleep.
Even though I’ve forgiven myself for not knowing what I didn’t know back in 2016, knowing that I handled things the best that I knew how to at that time, I still allow myself to get lost in those traumatic memories from time to time.
This month, I plan to work on memory boxes. Like usual, I suppose. I currently find that is the best way for me to channel my grief. Crocheting and crafting ways for families in similar situations to make memories with their babies. One stitch at a time, I feel like I am translating my thoughts and feelings into something meaningful.
