January.
As we un-decorated the tree over the weekend, here is my collection of ornaments to remember Adalynn with.
The holidays have passed. With COVID, it kind of didn’t even feel like the holidays in some ways. I tried to make things as exciting as possible for my living kids even though we really didn’t go anywhere — from decorating the house, gingerbread house decorating, crafts, driving around looking at lights, baking cookies. Even if it wasn’t the usual way we celebrated the month of December, it was still a nice one.
What I wasn’t prepared for was how hard after the holidays would hit me this year. Taking down decorations and seeing the house look “empty” is always a bit sad but it’s more than that this year. The thought of Adalynn’s 5th birthday coming has been looming over me. It feels like such a milestone of a birthday. Over my living kids’ break from school, we have historically gone to an aquarium, and a lot of other places. I couldn’t help but get stuck in a moment, 5 years ago, where I went to the Norwalk Aquarium with my husband and my son. Where I was pregnant with Adalynn. Knowing she was small but things were still “okay” and I was being monitored. Where my blood sugars were constantly low, which isn’t normal for a person with type 1 diabetes later in pregnancy and I had a really low blood sugar while walking from the aquarium to a restaurant for lunch right near by. A silly memory, but still sticks out in my mind. All these little moments replaying in my mind.
For the week of Christmas break, I also was having vivid flashbacks to the time at Yale, from my arrival to hearing Adalynn had no heartbeat. To having to make a decision of how to deliver her to delivering her and the trauma I experienced with my delivery. While they were foggy moments, they are so clear in my mind, if that makes any sense. But what really upset me was how unclear and how little I remember about holding Adalynn.
On Saturday, I needed to go to the cemetery. I really NEEDED to. I have been going less and less as the years have passed. Initially, it provided me with a place that I knew I could be with her. Over time, how I’ve grieved has changed. I’ve found “new” ways to cope when I am feeling sad or want to feel close to Adalynn. But Saturday was different. I was just plain overwhelmed with sadness… probably from the flashbacks over the previous week draining me mentally and physically. I went by myself and cried the entire car ride there, the entire time visiting Adalynn, the entire car ride home…and even continued on after I got home. Getting some hugs from my living kids, and answering their questions why I was crying kind of wrapped up all the emotions. I felt like a huge black cloud was lifted. They asked me why I was sad and I got to talk about Adalynn. Even if it was just for a couple of minutes… it helped immensely! I guess the cemetery still does have an important spot in my grieving.
So here we are… it’s January. I know the month will be filled with lots of memories of the last few weeks Adalynn was in my belly 5 years ago. I am prepared to embrace them and continue to do my best to honor and make her proud!
