Picture Day
Photo credit: Portrait Design by Mary Bush
My son is 7 years old…and for as long as I can remember, every daycare or school picture day photo has come with a serious or grumpy looking face. It’s his trademark. It’s something I’ve come to embrace as his mom. I expect it. And love that he has this quirk that he won’t smile for picture day. His 2nd grade picture recently came home and it was no different than all of the others!
But that’s not what this post is about. Fast forward to about three weeks ago. It was October 15th. How do I know that? Because it was on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I had my candle lit for the hour so that the world would have a wave of light to honor the day. I saw a post on Facebook for a local photographer, offering sessions with no fee for those who bring a donation for our town’s foodbank. My mom volunteers for them and I wasn’t sure, at the time, whether or not the Cub Scouts would be collecting food for them this year (with COVID and all — but they are!). With my candle lit, it was a day I felt some stronger than usual emotions about my Adalynn. And I couldn’t help but be thinking about the picture day that my son had just had the week before. I decided to send a message to the photographer that I was interested in having photos of my kids taken. Given all of those things, It felt “right” to me. I wanted to have nice, professionally taken pictures of Alex and Juliet. That evening, a date was set.
So, about two weeks ago, we had the photos taken. My kids, in coordinating outfits. Me, optimistically hoping for just a couple of smiling pictures to remember my kids by at this age.
During the session, the photographer asked if we wanted to incorporate a sweet, innocent teddy bear into any pictures as a prop. I nearly lost it. I fumbled for words and tried to defer to Matt without crying. Fortunately, kids being kids, the teddy bear never panned out and a moment that felt like an hour to me passed.
So what was it about that bear? That teddy bear made me feel the wonder and void I always feel even stronger. It brought out the wish that I brought my Adalynn Molly Bear to be in pictures with the kids. I mean, why didn’t I?! I could not let a random, cute, innocent bear be pictured with my kids because it would forever bring feelings of regret that it wasn’t Adalynn’s bear. The sadness that I already felt, like someone was missing from my family photos.
Life is full of moments like that. It’s a reminder that the holiday season can be harder. It is filled with triggers, daydreaming of what “life would like right now if….”, and longing to go back in time.
For now, I have some beautiful photos of my sweet living kids. But I still can’t help but look at them and see Adalynn missing — in human…or in stuffed bear… form.
11/12/2020 edit: Mary contacted me that she had created a gift for our family. I had no idea what to expect when I went to her studio yesterday to see what it was. She surprised me with a beautiful, heartwarming picture/painting! She painted in an angel-like image throughout a sweet picture of my two living kids. I was… still am.. so touched that she came up with this idea on her own and surprised me with the perfect print of it to hang up in our house!
